From Your Friendly Neighborhood Sports Desk: 2009 as we'd like to see it

Another year in the books, and an eventful one at that with the Olympics in Beijing, Aki and the Rays in the World Series, Formula One in the poorhouse and sumo dominating the local scandal rags, among other things.

With 2009's arrival today, here are a few things we'd like to see in the year ahead from the arena of professional sports in Japan.

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・National soccer team manager Takeshi Okada is ordered to take a sobriety test after proclaiming, "We will seriously aim to finish in the top four at the World Cup (in 2010 in South Africa)." Yo, Take! Ya gotta qualify first, dude.

・A complete no-name puts on the performance of their life and actually wins a figure skating competition against Mao Asada & Co.

・The nation is stunned when they see a Nippon Professional Baseball game on Japanese public television from beginning to end, no break for TV news and even if it goes to extra innings ... every gosh-darned, friggin' pitch, no less!

・A much-heralded Japanese high school baseball phenom effectively states, "It's been a dream of mine to play for the Rakuten Eagles--I really hope the Yomiuri Giants don't draft me."

・I'm Lovin' It. A report reveals that, contrary to popular belief, most sumo wrestlers put on weight as a result of late-night trips to McDonald's for Double Quarter Pounders to relieve the munchies, not from chowing down on massive amounts of chankonabe.

・Teenage golf sensation Ryo Ishikawa blows a big chunk of his earnings installing a waterslide in his dad's backyard.

・Orix Buffaloes slugger Tuffy Rhodes' home-run total matches his age again in 2009. Last season, the American veteran hit 40 at the age of 40.

・Speaking of Buffed sluggers, we'd like to see the recently retired Kazuhiro Kiyohara stay retired. Athletes these days seem to be a little confused on the whole concept of retirement, with the likes of NFL quarterback Brett Favre announcing they are quitting, only to "un-retire" when overcome by the urge to strap on the pads again. Anyway, we think Kiyohara is well past his sell-by date and should have retired four or five years ago--those that read the daily box scores probably think he did.

・The Kameda boxing brothers have a no-holds-barred, bare-knuckles cage match against each other.

・Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt signs on as a wide receiver with the Tokyo Gas Creators of Japan's X League, igniting some much-needed publicity for the league before the economic downturn claims any more scalps. (X League powerhouse the Onward Oaks recently announced that they had lost their main sponsor.)

・Bobby Valentine wins it all again with his Lotte Marines, riding off into the Chiba sunset with his entourage in tow after being told going into next season that his services will no longer be required in 2010. Bobby-loving Marines fans riot, turning Makuhari into a war zone--all hell breaks lose with some fans wearing their shoes on tatami mats in protest and others refusing to wear surgical masks, even with the sniffles coming on.

・A year goes by without speculation on the future of Celtic and Japan midfielder Shunsuke Nakamura. Will he stay or will he go? Just let the guy play soccer--I'm sure he'll alert the media when and if he decides to rejoin the Yokohama F Marinos.

・The next sports phenom in Japan does not get hung with the "Prince" moniker. We've had the "Handkerchief Prince" (pitcher Yuki Saito) and the "Shy Prince" (golfer Ryo Ishikawa). Time to come up with a new silly obsession.

・Scandals in Japanese sport continue to be of the married-guy-at-a-love-hotel-with-a-TV reporter or sumo-wrestler-caught-with-a-joint variety. So much more palatable than the stuff going on in leagues like the NFL, where it's tough to open the Monday papers without being bombarded by the words "gun," "assault" or "arrest." When's the last time you saw a headline like this about a Japanese athlete: "Guns, pants seized at Burress' home."

・Fans of Takeshi Okada's (remember him?) national soccer team will be required to switch to a new group chant every 15 minutes rather than droning on with the same stultifying blather for 90-minutes plus.

・And speaking of chanting, the oendan at Japanese baseball games have got it all wrong. Instead of serenading your players with uplifting cheers while they are batting, it should be the other way around--opposing fans should be raining down abuse while the enemy is up. Get it right, damnit!

・How about turning off the waterworks in 2009? In Japan, if you win, you cry; if you lose, you cry, too. It's enough to make a guy ... well, cry.

・Sumo wrestlers should be allowed to take foreign objects into the ring. If it fits in the mawashi, it's a go.

・No more talentos like SMAP or Morning Musume giving their input on events like the Olympics or soccer's World Cup. How much light can Kimutaku possibly shed on the men's foil final?(IHT/Asahi: January 1,2009)